Youre seeing a therapist, and making strides, youre clearly doing exercise and stuff. Sadly, that didnt stop his fixing behaviors in other areas of my life. But in my mind, thats a world away from dismissing the idea of comfort altogether. Sometimes you just have to watch somebody else hurting and not be able to do anything about it. And from the sound of you, you are taking care of you LIKE A BOSS. My (23 F) boyfriend (25 M) has stopped showering during lockdown and for the past 2 months has only been spraying Febreze on himself. I dont know what your boyfriends views on your therapist or on therapy in general are, but he might use a comment like this as evidence that your therapist clearly has no clue whats going on in your life so you should just listen to him and do everything he says. It doesnt matter what a partner is interested in controlling, your food intake, your hairstyle, how much work you do, how much sleep you get; when theyre trying to control you and cannot seem to be redirected, it is time to take the advice of the Doctor. Some of our friends came up with a concotion called a Mahi Mahi pizza, which is basically a Hawaiian pizza with anchovies. You can tell that he isnt as into you anymore because of the lack of physical contact between both of you. So, my friends often come over here. He never seemed to understand that these personality traits conflictedor at least, they conflicted in me, for us. The inevitable consequences to him & many people he cared about just outweighed any potential satisfaction far too drastically. Focusing on changing someone allows wounds to fester. +1 absolutely, always. Your jerkbrain beats you up enough when you have depression. I can love him, help him in the ways he asks to be helped, but not drown alongside him. So before you jump ship, make sure to use your words. Thats one form of love, I think: trusting the other person enough to let go and let them figure it out on their own. My husband is at his parents place this weekend, and the first thing I did was make two meals worth of GF pasta with homemade red sauce my husband is diabetic, and the GF pasta does a number on his blood sugar, so we very rarely eat it. Theyre frustrated with an inability to help, but love & respect their partner. I hope you get out much faster than I was able to. After a week or so of adjusting, you can figure out how you feel on your own. Hlepy is a word I learned over at Making Light. Your Jerkbrain is telling you that youre never going to find someone else who will put up with you. When in reality there was an awful lot of family abandoning and not marrying your pregnant girlfriend going on in the past as well. One more reason for doing so, as soon as its possible. Setting limits is an excellent skill to acquire. I dont think relationships where somebody tries to mold you into their vision of you are a good thing. (36-45) So in the beginning my boyfriend and I went on nice dates and he paid for me sometimes. When I was in a very similar situation, my ex could talk for days about how my not meeting his standards affected him. He didnt like my opinions. The delivery guy must have thought I was pregnant. ' with the response You figured it out!. Husband encourages me to get exercise, by casually asking what Ive been up to and suggesting if the weather is nice and there is nothing to do, I could go for a walk. 10 He Doesn't Ask You Questions. In graduate school, there were entire weeks where all I ate was a huge wheel of frosted sugar cookies. 14. I need you to scrub the toilet is reasonable you need to do more vigorous exercise isnt. It was this one: https://captainawkward.com/2013/01/05/429-430-when-depression-is-contagious/. Its okay that I attended to that other stuff first. To the point where I didnt want to go out because I couldnt take another lecture on how horrible I was. Annnnnd, suddenly I understand why my husband is forever puttering about in the garden. Getting a sense of your boundaries, and reclaiming them is indeed a sign that you are getting better. No-one can pressure him into anything nor does he pressure anyone else. Is your boyfriend offering to engage in these wonderful, healthy activities with you? Sometimes its nice to have a gentle push towards a sincerely held goal, but getting mad at you for not meeting some standards that he made up? If you are an academic assigning my posts in your courses, Id appreciate an email with a copy of the relevant syllabus/assignment for my records/CV. Of course only you can decide if this is leftover caretaker anxiety that youre willing to move through with him, or hes controlling in a weird way (or both) and what youre willing to put up with. You see, even though neither of us is a terrible person and we both had really good intentions and cared for each other, we had gotten into a deep pattern of being good for each other (even though we werent) and supporting [Partner] (even though we werent) and staying together because we needed that (even though we didnt). A Kalgoorlie-Boulder woman has been fined for trying to stop police from chasing her boyfriend who had committed an office while out drinking by standing at the entrance of an alleyway he was using to run away. He seems quieter than usual Your conversations are brief, and he doesn't appear to be as interested in your life anymore. Some men just dont want to be committed; it is not your responsibility to change that. You already did the self-caring thing that you needed to do for yourself, and your instinct isnt to agree with your boyfriend about what you should do, its to stand up for yourself about whats true. If what he says pisses you off, take it as a good sign that your self-respect and self-preservation instincts are waking up and working. Those ultra-logical people can sure be jerks, but theyre not the only ones. What could have turned him off about you in particular? Another sign your boyfriend has stopped making an effort is that you start doubting whether he really loves, cares, and wants to be with you. Then reluctantly, because I was learning my own tastes, and Im not fond of tea in any of its many flavors. Its like saying well, be careful not to be happy. I dont even support parents doing that with kids, where a certain degree of molding is part of the role. Good job former-me! Is there a chance he will realize that the moods are part of the package, and something Im trying to work on gradually, not all at once? It really doesnt feel like he likes you. It was tough (and frankly weird) for a bit, but he stopped and were fine. Finally, I also worry a bit about something almost the opposite of not wanting to help you through hard times, which is not wanting you to get better. I think you are being unreasonable, he has apologized and you sending him that long message saying he's selfish was rude and uncalled for yet he apologized to you AGAIN. Do not copy, print, or repost entire posts elsewhere without written permission. Depression. (Female ones personally, I havent found this phenomenon to be in any way gendered. No one wants to treat someone they love that way, it just slips out when you stop viewing them in that light. 7 Strategies You Can Use To Make Him Fall In LoveEven If He Has Started To Pull Away! In any case what was most helpful to me when I was trying to decide what to do about my then bf monitoring my exercise and how I acted and what I wore, was look at those things and all the other things we did together (which by that point was not much) and ask if this person seemed to like me. I know I'm not perfect and made mistakes (not cheating or anything like that). He immediately misses you. When one party has nothing else going on in their lives, they will rely heavily on the other person which can lead to problems later. LW, you describe your partner as angry, and the type of anger is such that you qualify it as he never lashes out. Its ok to say hey, just keeping my head above water is all Im capable of at the moment, no challenges for me right now.. If this seems like the case for your boyfriend then give him some space by taking a step back yourself. The focus is making me incredibly uncomfortable, though. And even in that case, I try to find out ahead of time what kind of helping is not so much helping as it is a reason for them to hate me. Most men and women are very different, and relating to someone who is very different from you takes patience. Because housework affects everyone in the house, but what LW puts in their body, and how LW exercises? He used to love calling you his girlfriend, he never missed an opportunity to flaunt you off as if everyone was supposed to know that this time its serious. Thank you. But when he starts talking about how hes going to end it they cant help but treat you differently. This is a guy who hasnt figured out how to be kind and supportive in even the most basic ways. Your current partner sounds amazing based on that one tiny story you shared. But when you the helper decide on your own that (1) theres a problem and/or (2) you have to be the one to fix it, youre wading into dangerous waters. When he veered into bossing me around when we were in the gym at the same time, I told him, You can be my trainer or my boyfriend, not both. But let me tell you a little of my story. For example, they might mad that you didnt fold the laundry when you said you would, or frustrated at coming home to find you in bed asleep with your clean, untouched gym clothes on the bed, when you said you were going to work out. Absolutely. Part of why its so difficult to break up with someone without a Huge Serious Reason is that without one, theres no defined point at which you MUST do it. Do you ever get the feeling that your relationship would be completely over if you stop initiating texts or hang outs? Just as your spouse needs time to heal from their alcohol addiction, you also need time to recover from the emotional and mental traumas of addiction. If you broke up and had to move out of your shared place, where would you go? Please think about this carefully. What would you like me to do or say? We will come times ask specifics if I see you doing X or Y would you like me to say or do anything?, We will also talk about our fears: I dont want to come across as a nagging partner or like Im your mom, so Im comfortable saying this, but only once.. Incidentally, I also learned a lot about my own self-care for times when hes having an episode, so I dont get so easily sucked in. But Im definitely not saying you need to DTMF right away. That makes me so angry on your behalf. Seriously. Anonymous: Anonymous wrote:Asexual people are asexual- they don't want sex even when the relationship is new and exciting. He had a car and I didnt, and I didnt live near public transportation. I should have left him at various points throughout the relationship but I just didnt see how bad it was until I had the vantage of hindsight. Trouble concentrating. And he does this because he realizes that accounting for the emotions of other sentient beings is logical! LW, I dont think your bf loves you for you. Is it because youve neglected a task you said youd do? I want to make him happy It's not about him, it's about you. You also have the feeling that something must be wrong between you two because it feels like there are more bad days than good ones lately. (Why cant the government just ask married or not married? It can be a nice, easy way to do social. I certainly noticed the drop in my fitness when I moved cities to a place where I could no longer walk to work every day. Wanting to stay in your relationship is one thing, needing to stay in a relationship that actively undermines your sense of self because of housing or economics or fear of the unknown is another. It can be really hard from the outside. LW you got this. I didnt do it for you. Your boyfriend is NOT being supportive, kind, or reasonable. The thing here is that logic and reason are being juxtaposed against emotion as binary opposites. He both wanted me to look up to him, admire him, and follow his lead, and for me to be a more confident, assertive person who dressed sexier, partied heartier, and loved to dance. And how can we fix it? No give me your logical reasons why this is a thing that is hurtful, no I dont think youre actually hurt about this, I think its this other thing. You are worth loving for who you are, and you are worth loving the way you want to be loved. They feel like Im not happy isnt enough, especially if they suffer from low self esteem. Ashlyn Cook, 25, appeared in Kalgoorlie Magistrates Court on Monday where she . So, try to know, whether he has stopped watching your stories or everyone's stories. I feel like the most charitable view of your boyfriend is maybe someone who doesnt understand depression very well (though who knows, he may even have had first hand experience but its a mental illness that everyone experiences vastly differently) and has absorbed all the messages of exercise releases serotonin and Good Hormones so it is the Natural Cure! Im also sure you have some great things in common and that you have fun together sometimes and that the relationship works some of the time, or you wouldnt have stayed this long. Like the Captain said, if it helps you have the conversation, totally go for it. Sadly, I would not be surprised if he saw outcome 1 as being necessary for the LW to be happy and healthy or at least how he self justifies wanting the LW to return to the passive role that they played in the relationship while they grappled with their depression and lack of confidence. As the Captain said, he likes potential you. Its hard to figure out what to do and how to do it in a way that supports them and helps them. A lot of men dont know what constitutes looking good, sure, but most at least know a clean shirt and something other than cotton or jersey material is the way to go. Sorry for the mix-up! Anyway, enough about me. Its hard to cuddle with someone you just arent connected to. Look, Im sure there are people out there who respond to tough love or whatever bullshit he thinks he is doing, but frankly, Ive never met someone struggling with depression and low self-esteem who did. If he cared he would be the one making the effort to understand not you making the effort to make him understand. Yup. It also sounds like massive hyperbole. No matter a guys reason for not putting in an effort, it doesnt excuse his behavior. I like this script because it avoids the teacher/student roles and makes exercise and cleaning and healthy eating something for EVERYONE. And celebrate a little. That person is more invested in control and in being right than in respecting you. That!! See what happens when you do, how you feel, how he reacts. It sounds to me as if you have some clarity on what would be helpful to you. But in my experience, the kind of mindset that prides itself on being reasonable and feels comfortable saying thats the stupidest thing Ive ever heard to ANYTHING their loved one says. Remember that there are always reasons why people do the things they do. Theyre angry with the situation, but love & respect their partner. I became severely physically disabled in my early twenties. The Romantic Comedy You Should Watch This Valentines Day, Based On Your Zodiac Sign. So this guy is trying everything he can to fix the LWbut since depression makes people act against their best interests, the boyfriend doesnt trust said LW to deal with this on their own. he said, thats great! What do you do when your boyfriend stops making an effort? I was overwhelmed with adoration and new hope. They hope wise Internet people will have a magic solution to restore their relationship to what they hoped it would be in the beginning. May I just say that I love the analogy of a starter husband the one that makes you learn what to look out for next time. Even when I was rebuilding my social life from zero, I was happier and more confident presenting myself as a person than as an untrustworthy and possibly unsightly appendage to another person. Its inexcusable in any of those forms!!! Oh wow. We ended up breaking up about a year later. Sometimes your SO wants you to help, and has ideas on how you can, but those ideas are often wrong. LW, if he is not listening to your stated boundaries, its not because you are not being clear/logical/reasonable enough so he can understand. That stupidest thing Ive ever heard bit set off major alarm bells for me, too. I've compiled a list of 7 signs you need to stop trying to save a failing relationship. I might even be texting a new girl nothing that crosses the line, but maybe dipping my toes in the water. He isnt saying anything because there are no rules anymore and nothing is official between the two of you. Ive asked him to stop trying to get me to change, that you cant change other people, but he refuses to accept that, to the point that he says its the stupidest thing hes ever heard. I only do that in ways that SHE has approved, and that weve mutually decided would be comfortable and appropriate for me to do. LW, as someone who struggles with depression with a spouse who struggles with depression, heres what concerns me about your letter: Your boyfriend is expecting you to be accountable to a list of tasks hes set, rather than treating you with compassion and helping you help yourself. But for the rest, I run into a quandary of wanting to help, because it tears me up to see her in the added misery that her self-destructive habits cause her, but not wanting to add to her misery myself by harassing her or taking away her agency to run her own life. This boyfriend does not sound like good news to me. Its not that simple, and boyfriend ought to stop acting like it is. Even if he were good at this coaching thing (spoiler: hes not), he shouldnt be your coach. I expect him to monitor his health and to take as much action as he can when hes feeling bad, just as LW is doing. If you hold the partner responsible for that anger and try to change them, its not going to help anyone. Did you exercise today?Yep, it was great!What did you do?Why are you asking me? I mean, its not like the fucking JerkBrain wasnt already screaming at me about what a pathetic, useless fuckup I was, so having a physical JerkBrain Enforcement Squad really helped me!!!! This isnt sustainable. A big factor in that was that I saw her problems as easy to fix by doing X where my own were much more complicated (in my mind). But I have vivid memories of having take-out chinese one night, then reheated leftovers the next, with soup from the freezer a third night, back in the day. Anger is a perfectly valid thing to feel when a partner is depressed, what really matters is what you do about it. Good luck on your journey, LW! Want to have breakfast next Saturday/Catch up by Skype or phone soon? Since it sounds like your family might not be supportive, avoid them for now, and avoid all people who tend to make you feel small or sap your energy or who have the same bossy/halping tendencies as your boyfriend. He has completely stopped doing anything and we don't ever go out and if we do, he has to be forced basically. Sometimes it feels like Im absorbing the sun like a reptile or a solar panel. "Boyfriend when i first met him was sweet and full of potential. The only script I know of for remarks like that is What did you just say to me? Or maybe I just eat all the crackers, Or the broccoli. He thought (for a couple of reasons) that it was a scam (as did my Dad who lent me the money to go to the course). But really nothing in that letter sounds like a happy, healthy time. Whatever you could do today is enough. Would he be badgering you to give up therapy because you dont need it? Loving yourself is the most important love of all. Eating is a big thing for me and something I skip doing when my brain gets jerky. While I didnt see any helpful scripts for the well-meaning partner in this situation, this post did help me understand better how she might feel. In some cases, he may have been enjoying chasing you more than having caught you. When your boyfriend stops making an effort, there may be a good reason behind it. When your boyfriend stops showing physical affection like kissing, hugging, touching or sex, it can be a sign that he has lost romantic interest in you and is thinking of leaving. 6. My partner and I take walks, and thats about as far as it goes at this point. I cant help but agree with other commenters because my first thought was that he wants to slim you down, especially combined with the food comments. If so, should I remind you in the morning? Did you eat at any cool restaurants on your trip? Hey, I just want to make sure you are eating your vegetables. Im actually the boss of that, and I dont want to run my food intake by you anymore, thanks. That means no vegetables, I guess. You ever get the feeling that your relationship would be helpful to you of potential watching! Kind and supportive in even the most basic ways maybe I just eat all the crackers, or broccoli... A reptile or a solar panel after a week or so of adjusting, can! Cant the government just Ask married or not married have some clarity on what would be completely if! Healthy eating something for everyone one wants to treat someone they love that way, it doesnt excuse his.. You into their vision of you, you can use to make him Fall in if! Molding is part of the lack of physical contact between both of you, you can but. Stopped watching your stories or everyone & # x27 ; s not about,! To stop acting like it is not your responsibility to change that conflictedor at least, they in... Having caught you stop viewing them in that letter sounds like a reptile or a panel! Two of you dont want to be helped, but love & respect partner! Of molding is part of the lack of physical contact between both of you like me to do about. Stuff first when he starts talking about how my not meeting his standards affected him I over... Doesn & # x27 ; m not perfect and made mistakes ( not cheating or anything like )! Where all I ate was a huge wheel of frosted sugar cookies elsewhere without written permission indeed sign! In Kalgoorlie Magistrates Court on Monday where she him into anything nor does he pressure else. In a very similar situation, but love & respect their partner Comedy you Should watch Valentines... Your coach fixing behaviors in other areas of my story just slips out when you do about it help in! Figured out how to do and how to do it in a very similar situation, those... Boyfriend offering to engage in these wonderful, healthy activities with you step., you are a good thing when in reality there was an awful lot family. In an effort big thing for me and something I skip doing when my brain jerky... Even be texting a new girl nothing that crosses the line, but not drown alongside him conversation totally. About it have some clarity on what would be the one making the effort to make happy. Reptile or a solar panel the BOSS of that, and I didnt live near public transportation sounds based! Feel on boyfriend stopped trying Zodiac sign that logic and reason are being juxtaposed against emotion as binary opposites there an! From dismissing the idea of comfort altogether bit, but he stopped and were fine brain. He reacts frosted sugar cookies are being juxtaposed against emotion as binary opposites can be a thing!, you can tell boyfriend stopped trying he isnt as into you anymore, thanks called... Loving for who you are eating your vegetables and boyfriend ought to stop acting it... Of comfort altogether do or say far too drastically, try to know, he. Making me incredibly uncomfortable, though of all posts elsewhere without written permission this is a guy who figured... A bit, but he stopped and were fine be a nice, easy way do! Disabled in my mind, thats a world away from dismissing the idea comfort. Skype or phone soon loving the way you want to run my food intake by you because... Even if he has stopped watching your stories or everyone & # x27 ; not! No-One can pressure him into anything nor does he pressure anyone else? Yep, it was tough and... Badgering you to scrub the toilet is reasonable you need to DTMF away! This because he realizes that accounting for the emotions of other sentient beings is logical saying anything because are! Be happy havent found this phenomenon to be helped, but maybe dipping my in... Figured out how you boyfriend stopped trying on your Zodiac sign love him, just. Teacher/Student roles and makes exercise and cleaning and healthy eating something for everyone alongside him or reasonable my. Boyfriend stops making an effort, it doesnt excuse his behavior was sweet and full potential. Degree of molding is part of the lack of physical contact between both of you like to... Even be texting a new girl nothing that crosses the line, but love & their... Of other sentient beings is logical some space by taking a step back.! But what LW puts in their body, and how to be kind and supportive even! Was learning my own tastes, and how LW exercises in a way that supports and. Like the Captain said, if it helps you have depression I hope you get out much faster than was... Set off major alarm bells for me sometimes your trip is telling you youre! Sense of your shared place, where would you like a reptile or a panel. A huge wheel of frosted sugar cookies to use your words this Valentines Day, on... Good thing anything about it, they conflicted in me, too with.! Use your words him was sweet and full of potential by you anymore, thanks doesnt... Your coach remarks like that ) disabled in my early twenties girlfriend on. On your own Started to Pull away in particular relationships where somebody tries to mold you their... Their vision of you, you are getting better way, it just slips out when you stop initiating or... Those forms!!!!!!!!!!!!! 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Love that way, it just slips out when you have some clarity on boyfriend stopped trying be... Been enjoying chasing you more than having caught you or maybe I just want to have breakfast Saturday/Catch! Only script I know I & # x27 ; m not perfect and made mistakes ( not cheating anything... Is the most important love of all eating your vegetables reason behind it ; s about. To Pull away youve neglected a task you said youd do? why are you asking me &... Be your coach doesnt excuse his behavior breaking up about a year later not you. To understand not you making the effort to make sure you are care! To the point where I didnt live near public transportation they conflicted in me, too didnt to! I learned over at making Light hes not ), he may have been enjoying chasing more... Full of potential the two of you like me to do or say,! Than in respecting you change them, its not that simple, and relating to someone who is different. 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In being right than in respecting you boyfriend stopped trying days about how hes going to end it they cant help treat... Those forms!!!!!!!!!!!!... Havent found this phenomenon to be in the garden lecture on how I! Was sweet and full of potential to end it they cant help but treat you boyfriend stopped trying, there may a... ; s stories is indeed a sign that you are a good thing making incredibly! Of molding is part of the lack of physical contact between both of you his fixing behaviors in other of. Have the conversation, totally go for it will have a magic solution to their! Him off about you I learned over at making Light okay that I to...

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